


Parfois Tu Me Manques

by SleeplessNightWithPhan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Fluffy bits, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Secret Santa, The tags might be a bit of a spoiler, but also a bit triggerwarning-ish, that makes it sound worse than it is, you'll see - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-10
Updated: 2018-01-10
Packaged: 2019-03-03 03:58:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13333014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SleeplessNightWithPhan/pseuds/SleeplessNightWithPhan
Summary: “Maybe I should finish up this letter anyway. It’s getting kind of really long, and it’s not like you are going to be reading it. Just a way for me to try and keep my sanity. Like I’m said. I’m managing. But managing was so much easier when you were still around.”





	Parfois Tu Me Manques

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, so this is a fic for Anne ( @honeybearhowell ) - who, by the way, is absolutely wonderful and funny and kind and amazing- a as part of a Secret Santa.
> 
> You once said that you like fics where you get “punched in the tits ”. Well, that’s what I’m here to (try to) give you, so buckle up my dear friend.
> 
> About the trigger warnings/tags; as they are technically true, I’ll mention them - I don’t want to trigger people. But like, I’m not gonna give you a super sad fic, wouldn’t be able to do that. I love these boys too much to be able to do that to them, and it’s a Christmas present for God’s sake.
> 
> But anyway, I hope you’ll like it anyway, I love you very very much, and I wish you a Happy (late) New Year in which you’ll get everything you want! <3<3<3

Hey Phil.

How are you? Everything ok over there?

It’s been a while since I’ve been able to talk to you. I kinda miss that baritone voice of yours a lot, more than I imagined I would. It used to be one of the things that would bring me the most happiness, the most comfort when I wasn’t feeling my best.

Now just thinking about it makes me wish I could hold in you in my arms again.

But to be honest, can you blame me? You were the one who had to leave me, who had to go away.

And yes, I know this isn’t what you would’ve wanted either. You didn’t want to leave me, just as much as I didn’t want you to go. You wanted to stay with me, stay with the little pupper we just adopted, give us both all the love you could.

Sadly, that’s just not what happened. And as much as I want to complain about it, or try and change it, that’s just not going to happen. This is how it had to happen, and that’s just something I’m going to have to live with.

I kind of wish I could’ve gone there with you. That there was nothing keeping me here, nothing preventing me me from being there with you.

But that would be very selfish of me. Someone had to stay here, take care of things. Someone had to take care of Winnie. At least one of us is needed here, and as it turns out, I’m the one who had to be the one to stay behind.

You know what the weirdest thing is?

A lot of things are still the same in our little apartment. People who only come here once every while might not even see that there’s anything different about it nowadays. Might not even notice the little things that aren’t the way they used to be.

But I do.

I notice the way there’s no longer any socks scattered around, as if they were forming a trail to be followed to you.

I notice the way there’s no cupboard being left open for me to hit my head on - I’m not really sure if I’m glad about that or not.

I notice the way the bed feels so much colder in the morning. And perhaps that’s the worst thing.

You’d think that by now, I’d be used to it - it’s been a while since you were there for the last time, after all. But no.

I still expect you to be there when I open my eyes, still expect to be able to cuddle up into your warm arms, and to wish you a good morning. Get ready to take on whatever the day might bring us together.

It’s just, I’m not meant to be own my own. That’s what I’ve found out ever since you’ve been gone. I’m starting to freak myself out more and more, getting scared by my own shadow.

(And no, that’s not just me exaggerating. I actually got scared by my own shadow on the wall yesterday.)

I’m trying to manage the best I can without you. It’s weird, because I never really had to. Not like this. Never for more than a few days at the time. And even then, you were only a quick text away.

Now, there’s absolutely nothing. No wake up kisses, no cooking meals together - or at least attempting to. No taking long walks with the dog together. No nothing.

This is also making me realise how much of our lives has been shared. How important we are to one another. How I used to take all the things you did for granted, not even realising it was you anymore. It had just become part of my life as well.

As much as I used to say back in the days that we were not a duo, that we were separate people, the fact is that our lives have always been intertwined so much. And maybe I used to not like that at all, and be very vocal about it (sorry about that), nowadays I don’t really mind all that much anymore.

(No, those are not tears in my eyes, what are you talking about?)

But like I said, I’m trying to manage, trying to keep myself busy.

Winnie helps a lot with that. She’s grown so much since you’ve been gone, I don’t think you’d still recognise her to be honest. She’s a proper lady already.

I took her to the dog park today. She spent the entire time there playing with a Dalmatian dog who was like twice her size, but you know Winnie. Never afraid of anything (unlike the guy who owns her - I might have almost wet myself when a little boy jumpscared me. Halloween has come early this year apparently).

She’s asleep on the sofa next to me now, which I know you would never allow her to do when I could see.

Was that your way of trying to impress me? Showing me you could be dominant? Because don’t think I never saw you helping her up there when you thought I wasn’t around.

You could never resist her cute face. Neither can I, trust me. She’s had so many treats since it’s just the two of us. You can’t stop me giving them to her anymore anyways.

(She misses you too. Keeps looking for you, even sits by the front door sometimes, seemingly waiting for you to get back. I keep telling her it’s to no avail, but she doesn’t understand that. It’s kind of breaking my heart to see her like that.)

Ok, you know where I said that she was asleep? Scrap that, she has just woken up and is looking at me intensely. I’m afraid I’ll have to go outside again and take her for her walk.

Maybe I should finish up this letter anyway. It’s getting kind of really long, and it’s not like you are going to be reading it. Just a way for me to try and keep my sanity.

Like I’m said. I’m managing. But managing was so much easier when you were still around.

 

Forever yours,

 

Dan

 

*****

 

PS: I’ve gotten back from walking Winnie and just reread this monstrosity of a letter. I kinda make it sound like you’re dead or something, don’t I? Jesus Christ, writing an entire ode to my husband when I have to miss him for a bit, how sappy of me. Here’s to another addition to the ever-growing list of “reasons why Dan’s a fail”.

(But to be fair, you’ve left me on my own for almost a month, you should’ve seen something like this coming. Especially with us not being able to really communicate as much, what with all the bad reception you’ve got up there. Kinda driving me mad.)

PPS: Tell your parents their Third Son says hi, and that next time we’ll plan our puppy adoption accordingly so we can both join them on holiday.

Or just plan our next adoption in general.

Ok, maybe don’t tell them about that yet. I wanna see their faces when we tell them they’ll be grandparents.

See you next week, and I’m going to go back to making you one of those huge ass signs to welcome you when you finally get home. Love you!

**Author's Note:**

> Any feedback, kudos or comments are greatly appreciated and basically make me happy all day long.
> 
> I've also got a Tumblr over [here](http://sleeplessnightwithphan.tumblr.com) :)  
> Thank you for stopping by ^^


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